she pinky promised me she was 18
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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