I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
