It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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