is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
