Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
