1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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