I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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