You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
