You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just pee around me
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
