Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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