I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
