i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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