what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
