allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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