I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
