My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
