there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
