Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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