I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
