My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
