so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
