kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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