this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're breaking my sexual little heart
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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