My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
