my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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