my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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