Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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