a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
