Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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