That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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