I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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