im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Sorry about my life...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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