I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
