I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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