I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
