Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
