Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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