peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
