If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
