I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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