They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
