i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you didnt know i had herpes?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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