Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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