3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
