Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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