I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
