I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's a Shit stain on my heart
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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