we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
