Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Randomize
