i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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